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Winnie the Pooh (Dirty Potter)

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Stop hand
<center>Click to help Cruella!
This scum Winnie the Pooh (Dirty Potter)
is driving Cruella insane!
So sayeth the great Lord of Darkness Sauron:
or he will send Darth Vader to terminate you.

Winnie the Pooh was made into an absolutely horrific villain in Dirty the Pooh, part of the Dirty Potter series in which audiobook recordings featuring Jim Dale are edited to make him say extremely vulgar, sexually explicit and utterly absurd things. In the first two chapters, Pooh, like everyone, participates in several disgusting and depraved sexual acts, but the first indication that he is truly evil comes at the end of Chapter One, where he ends his "hum" with "So, therefore, you... will... DIE!", which is followed by a stock horror cue. Then at the beginning of the second chapter, Jim Dale introduces it as "In which Winnie the Pooh's large and extremely dangerous ass farts directly in all the animals' stupid faces... AND EVERYBODY DIES!" However, nothing of the sort actually happens in the chapter.

Then in Chapter Three, Pooh calls all the animals to a meeting one very hot day, and reveals that it is an "Assembly... from Hell!" Pooh's eyes then light up red, and he says that "My very dear friend Satan told me to tell you that the job for today is to die, and make it as painful as possible!" He farts, which causes the sky to be covered by a giant cloud of darkness, and then explosive lightning and a meteor shower strike the Hundred Acre Wood, lighting it on fire, while the moon starts falling out of the sky towards the Earth. Pooh gives Piglet an evil death glare that causes his eyes to melt. As geysers of boiling urine shoot out of the ground, the trees of the forest come to life and start attacking the animals, impaling Rabbit and severing his spine, before Pooh tears his heart out.

As Rabbit's insides fall out, Pooh makes his intestines wrap themselves around Piglet's neck and strangle him, then farts a fire at Piglet which cooks him, before slowly eating Piglet piece-by-piece. Then, Pooh suddenly produces a "ginormous ninja sword" and slices Roo apart, then forces Kanga to eat her own son's mutilated body stuffed in Piglet's half-eaten carcass covered in his own "special Pooh Bear icing". Tigger, however, is still not impressed and shouts "BORING!"

Pooh's eyes then turn into glowing upside-down pentagrams, and he bites off a baby rabbit's head, drinking its blood, and levitates into the air, holding the bloody severed head of David Benedictus (the person who wrote the Winnie the Pooh book Jim Dale narrated) and chants a "heart-stopping, soul-chilling, unholy chant", creating a black hole in the ground that summons evil monkeys and zombies with razor-sharp spiked black metal dildos, which explode and blow all the animals to bloody bits. Finally, the "Four F**king Horsemen of the Stink-pocalypse" appear out of Eeyore's butt, and then the world explodes, sending everybody to burn in Hell forever.

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