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Santa Clause (Santa's Slay)

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Who's next?
~ Santa Clause (uttered at the end of the movie as he looks over his "naughty list").

Santa Clause (Or this version of him) is the titular main antagonist of the deliberately over-the-top horror comedy film of the same name - he is as far removed from the cuddly old elf of legend.

He was portrayed by WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg and had an impressive body count of 35 victims to his name (this being a bare minimum, more may have occurred off-screen).

History

According to the rather warped history of the "Santa's Slay" reality, the traditional Santa Clause myth is a lie and the jolly old elf is in fact an unholy child of Satan who was born of a virgin named Erica and thus somewhat of an Antichrist figure - Christmas was the time of year that Santa committed mass murder (likely as a way of desecrating an otherwise holy holiday), thus this day of his blood-lust was called the Day of Slaying. That is until an angel who is one of God's powerful generals of Heaven's army came down to Earth in the guise of an old man and managed to beat Santa in a curling match in 1005 A.D. As punishment for his crimes, Santa was sentenced into delivering toys to the people he had formerly murdered for 1000 years.

Unfortunately this imprisonment was not very effective as it expired on the eve of 2005 - allowing Santa to go on a bloody rampage, having had a thousand year rest from his true calling as a destroyer of hope and bringer of death.

Santa's Rampage

In 2005 Christmas Eve, Santa returns to the world as his true motive of a mass murdering demon rather than a friendly giver of presents. He jumps down through the chimney of the Mason family and kills them all, stabbing Mr. Mason's hands to the table first, then using dark magic and other fighting skills to overcome all the people. He incinerates Virginia's hair and drowns her in eggnog, he smashes in Gwen's head with a table leg, and kills Gwen's boyfriend with a karate kick, and then he kills Beth by throwing a star at her back and suffocates Mr. Mason with a turkey leg.

Santa flies his airborne sleigh, driven by monstrous Hell-deer, to Hell Township, Canada and proceeds to kill the locals in Christmas-themed methods, including burning a strip club frequented by crooked minister Father Thomas. Santa engages in the Jewish deli and kills owner Mr. Green by strangling him with his own menorah. As Santa leaves the deli, he runs into Nicolas Yuleson, who he glares at menacingly. Later on, Nicolas talks with his crazy grandpa, who hates Christmas, about why he always hated the festival. His grandpa tells him that Santa has never always been jolly and child loving and gives him The Book of Klaus, an Icelandic book in the Yuleson family's possession which details how Santa started life as the Antichrist, born of Satan's conception with a woman in Biblical times. Santa was the Antichrist Jesus came to warn people about, and in fact the people prayed to Jesus every time there were murders around Christmas, committed by Santa. So, one year in one thousand B.C., God decided to intervene by sending an angel from Heaven which took the form of an old man. The angel confronted the young Santa, in the Pole, and confronted him with a curling match where if Santa's rock landed in the pool, then he could give the angel to Satan to roast forever, if the angel's rock landed in the pool, then Santa had to cease the Day of Slaying. Santa, not knowing the man was an angel, arrogantly went first, and actually lost to the angel, enraging him and making him a bitter slave of God for a thousand years. Looking through the information, Nicolas realizes that this was a thousand years ago, meaning Santa can kill once more in 2005.

Upon arriving at the scene of Mr. Green's murder, Nicholas is taken to the police station for questioning. He is bailed out by his girlfriend Mary "Mac" Mackenzie, just before Santa arrives and kills all of the officers. Santa pursues them in a police car, but they are able to escape (thanks to a shotgun, left in Mac's truck by her gun-crazed father). They flee to Mr. Yuleson's bunker, with Santa still in pursuit. Nicholas and Mac manage to escape, care of Grandpa's snowmobile, but Grandpa is run over by Santa's "Hell-deer" and killed.

The two teens hide from Santa in a local high school, hoping that Santa's powers will end when Christmas ends, but are eventually forced to confront him in the gymnasium. They are almost killed by Santa on a Zamboni but are saved by Grandpa, who is actually the angel that originally defeated Santa. With Christmas ended and his powers gone, Santa flees in his sleigh but his "Hell-deer" are shot down by Mac's father with a bazooka. Pastor Timmons is found dead in a Santa suit and is presumed to be the killer, while in fact the real Santa Claus under his modern alias "Mr. Shatan" is boarding a flight from Winnipeg to the North Pole.

Quotes

  • "Yes Virginia. There is a Santa Clause."
  • "Move, bitch! Get outta the way!"
  • "Why I'm here to stuff some stockings."
  • "Ho, ho, hoes!" (- Santa before kissing a stripper under a misletoe.)
  • "Naughty." (- Santa Clause before burning down the Golddiggers strip club.)
  • "Uh oh, Grandpa got run over by a reindeer."
  • "Why I'm just trying to spread a little Yuletide fear!"
  • "Who's your daddy? Father Christmas."
  • "I'm Santa Clause, not f**kin' Dracula."


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