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|“||Friends comes in all sizes.||„|
|~ Rainbow Randolph|
|“||I'm Rainbow f--kin' Randolph. Kids love me.||„|
|~ Randolph Smiley aka Rainbow Randolph, while being arrested for bribery.|
|“||I'm a fraud. I'm a wicked man who's done wicked acts.||„|
|~ Rainbow Randolph, after his epiphany.|
Randolph Smiley, or better known by his rainbow-clad TV persona Rainbow Randolph, is the former host of a children television show, Rainbow Randolph Show, and he was the deuteragonist of the 2002 American dark comedy film Death to Smoochy.
HistoryRandolph Smiley was a natural, marginal Broadway talent who was hired by a children's television network called Kidnet to be the star of his own show, and so there was The Rainbow Randolph Show, with the host Rainbow Randolph, a friendly man with a playful attitude wearing a white suit with his memorable colorful coat, a yellow bow tie, white casual shoes, and a white bowler hat. But on the side during his career and off the set, Randolph makes his business to take bribes from parents to have their kids a spot on his show, and he's been enjoying it in secrecy ever since.
Unknown to the happily corrupt Rainbow Randolph, however, he is being watched by the Federal Communications Commission (FFC) who been probing his extracurricular activities on-and-off the stage, they have enlisted the help of the FBI who's involved to help to catch dirty crooks like Randolph Smiley red-handed in a despicable act.
One night, Randolph Smiley was in a Patsy's Warehouse restaurant in New York, meeting a married couple who approached him with a nice large sum of cash in exchange for their son to have a spot on his show. He tells them he'll call them when the spot on the show opens up. All of sudden, it reveals to be a FBI sting with two federal agents posing as the parents catching him in the act. They arrest him and take him away.
After that night, the news of it spread fast all over the media, newspaper, everything. His show was cancelled and Rainbow Randolph himself was out of business.
Rainbow Randolph's Revenge
6 months later, while Randolph was currently broke and homeless, his replacement Sheldon Mopes was hired by Kidnet to take over his old timeslot and created his own show Smoochy's Magic Jungle.
Later, Frank Stokes, Randolph's old friend, reluctantly agreed to meet with him. They both met at docks of a pier outside New York City. Randolph begged him to give him back his old timeslot, but there's nothing Frank could do for Randolph. Randolph then sets a scheme to destroy Mopes's career and regain his show too all fail. While a live recording of Smoochy was going on, Rainbow Randolph sneaks into the prop room and replaces the healthy cookies with inappropriate shaped cookies (and reuniting with his old rainbow jacket). When Smoochy picked up the inappropriate shaped cookie, he improvises by saying it's a rocket ship. Enraged, Rainbow Randolph comes out of hiding and rants about the cookie is shaped like an inappropriate body part (with its nicknames) and then gets kicked out by security. Rainbow Randolph goes to Angelo Pike's apartment and explains he is homeless (since he was kicked out of the corporate penthouse), so Angelo allowed him to stay at his apartment. Mopes becomes enraged to learn that Burke signed him up to star in a Smoochy ice show he feels that the event will exploit children. Burke and Merv Green, the heads of the corrupt charity running the ice show, unsuccessfully warn Mopes from backing out of the event.
Soon afterward, Randolph, disguised as a Scottish gentlemen by the name "Mr. Benjamin McKnucklepeck", dupes Mopes into doing a Smoochy act at a neo-Nazi rally that is raided by the police under the presumption that it would be an award banquet held by the Parents for Decency in Children's TV organization. Smoochy is labeled a racist and fired. Rainbow Randolph was so excited for the downfall of Smoochy due to this incident, that he danced all over New York. His fun did not last long, however, when Randolph came to Nora's place to get his career back, as he accidentally lets it slip to Nora that he framed Smoochy, he is beaten up by Irish mob boss Tommy Cutter and her men into confessing for his crime and then arrested.
While being taken out of the police station, he was crowded with news people and protesters. When asked how does it feel to be the most hated person in America, he claims he wears the hatred as a badge of honor. When asked about the accusations from Nora about his obsession with Sheldon Mopes, he claims he barely knows Nora. When asked about the rumors about him being mentally unbalanced, he attacks the guy who asked that question because he would deny that rumor. He felt someone touching his butt and told the protesters to get away from him and not to touch him, but one person throws an egg at him as he gets into the car. Smoochy's reputation and show are restored.
Later, at Angelo's apartment, in frustration, he smashes the TV which was airing Smoochy-related media with a lamp and calling Smoochy illegitimate or devilish parodies of real life characters such as Barney the Dinosaur, Teletubbies, Muppets, etc. before he gets kicked out of Angelo's apartment. Later, he attacks a person working at a donation table called "Save the Rhino."
Randolph, in a state of manic depression, was at the middle of Times Square preaching to everyone the pain he suffered at the hands of Smoochy.
He decided to end his life, for he can no longer live in a world where the innocent suffers and the wicked thrived, by pouring a small container of gasoline on him and lighting a match, willing to burn himself to death. That is, until he was saved by a little girl who he considered his angel right before her daddy grabbed her and took her to see Smoochy when everyone saw him arriving at Times Square. Randolph continued to contemplate his misery and his hatred of Sheldon Mopes.
After the death of Moochy (a.k.a. Spinner Dunn), cousin of Smoochy, police and angry mobs are hunting for Randolph due to the hatred for Sheldon Mopes. He goes into hiding in an abandoned biscuit factory until he finds a picture of Nora and Sheldon in a magazine. He then corners Mopes and Nora in their penthouse and threatens to kill them. They talk him down and discover that he's depressed and genuinely misses entertaining children. An empathetic Mopes offers to let Randolph stay in the penthouse until he recovers. Sheldon also explains that he and Nora will go to the police the next day, telling them that Randolph is innocent of the death of Moochy.
Burke and Stokes hire heroin addict Buggy Ding Dong, another former host, to assassinate Mopes during his ice show. Buggy steals a backstage pass to get inside. However, Randolph was informed by Angelo of Buggy being in his apartment and Rainbow Randolph goes to the ice show. Some of the people see Randolph at the ice show and wanted to take pictures with him (for the children at least). He took the pictures, signed some autographs, and went into the audience area. When he notices Burke and Stokes looking up and ran to the rafters, he realizes that Buggy is on there and runs up there. Randolph manages to tackle Buggy just as he tries to shoot Mopes from the rafters. Randolph and Buggy struggle for the sniper rifle, until Buggy falls to his death. The police then lifted Randolph to safety, but he faints after. After Mopes realizes that Burke and Stokes set him up, he chases after Burke into an alley. He pulls a gun and threatens to kill Burke, but Cotter and her men arrive and persuade him to stop as they will take care of Burke and Stokes. With Rainbow Randolph saving Smoochy, his reputation has been restored.
The movie ends with Smoochy and Rainbow Randolph with Nora Wells as their co-host, launching a new show together.
|“||You want your little booger eater on my show?||„|
|~ Rainbow Randolph|
|“||Then don't tell me how to run my fucking business.||„|
|~ Rainbow Raindolph|
|“||I came to think you weren't coming Frank. You've forgotten about me.||„|
|“||Really? I used to have dinner engagements, four or five a night.||„|
|~ Rainbow Randolph|
- "I walked into this restaurant, Frank. 10 guys would reached for my hat. I stand up and take a piss. They cleared the restroom. You know why, Frank...? I'm Rainbow fucking Randolph! That's why!"
- "What, you got things to do? Don't have time for me? The guy who earned for you? Put the Armini surplus suit on your back? The Coq au vin in your Brooklyn mouth?"
- "Frank, you got to fix this! I want my old time slot back! I can't sit and watch that rhinoceros, that one-horned carpet bag and gets my time slot! He gets a free ride on my dime! Come on Frank, we got a history...."
- "Don't do this to me Frank. I'm drowning, I'm going for the last time here. They kicked me out of the corporate penthouse. I'm homeless. Put your self in my compesios buddy."
- "Exactly. That's what I've been trying to tell you."
- "What's this?"
- "You know what to do with a hand lotion, jerk-off."
- "You'll get yours Frank! The rhino too! The wheels are turning!"
- "Sooner or later, even a guy who's squeaky clean falls into mud."
- "Bonsoir, le Smoochy. Welcome to Fatty Arbuckle-land."
- "Don't worry little ones, Rainbow Randolph will return."
- "Give them a cookie. Give them a cookie."
- "Whatever that means, you fucking peasant."
- "Give them a cookie. Give them a cookie."
- "(Muffled laughter)"
- "What are you, blind? It's a cock!"
- "It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock!"
- "Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! Yeah, it's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! A wang! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't ya see that?! It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made it. He made that thing. It's made from dil-dough!"
- "I'm Rainbow fucking Randolph. I know the way out-- Ahhhhh!!"
- "Open up, baby, it's Randolph. It's been a long time."
- "Angie. Fucking traitor! You left me for the rhino!"
- "You stripped that horn faster then a hooker leaves Salt Lake!"
- "You're a Krinkle Kid, not a Smooch-bag! Say it!"
- "Say it before God and all of the bones of the saints! Say it!"
- "I missed you so much. Can I stay here? I got no place else to go."
- "They kicked me out of the corporate penthouse. Sons of bitches. That's how I got this beauty. I got liens, back taxes, lawyers' bills, threats against my life. I got the whole world up my fucking ass! Don't you worry. I got a long memory, baby. 'Because what they sow, they going to reap, Angie!' (Laughing and then sobbing)"
- "But it's the Rhino Angie. The Devil sent him from Hell to destroy me. Smoochy is the face of evil."
- "You better grow eyes in the back of your fucking head, you horned piece of shit, because I'm not gonna sleep until worms are crawling up your foam rubber ass. I'm going on a safari motherfucker. Safari.... (elephant trumpet sound)."
- "Mr. Mopes? I'm Benjamin McKnucklepeck. I'm calling from Parents for Decency in Children's TV. Have you heard of us?"
- "Tomorrow we're having a banquet. We'd be honored if you performed. We want to present a plaque to you for your commitment to children's TV. The presenter will be a young orphan with mild asthma. Can you attend?"
- "That'd be great. See you then."
- "No worries. A chance to have Smoochy at our soire......I'd stick my willie in a nest of funnelwebs if I had to."
- "You're funny! Hey! There's vodka and potato chips back there if you're hungry."
- "You know I never eaten Korean food, but thank you for that information."
- "That's why the wee ones loved your show so much, you can learn and laugh at the same time. Such a fresh change from that dreadful embezzler, that Rainbow Randy-- what was his name?"
- "Oh, Randolph. Aye, that's a scoundrel. Probably gay too."
- "He's a pillow biter, ya know. The old uhm."
- "What do you mean?"
- "Aye, aye, right. Yeah, but don't you take a particular glee in the fact that you've stolen his time slot and you're shoveling dirt on his miserable corpse as it were?"
- "Ah, come on! He's a miserable cocksucker! A fucking asshole! You hate him! Admit it!"
- "Oh, the wee ones are ready for you."
- "There you go! Let's shake a stick!"
- "Ah, Mr. Mopes, we'd like to keep it no frills. It's all about the wee ones."
- "Something inane, I sure."
- "Not to worry Mr. Mopes, you're going to make a dent. Go out there and hook your horn."
- "Hey! 'Auf Wiedersehen."
- "Hello little nipple-nibbler. The rhino's a Nazi."
- "The rhino's screwedo. The rhino is screwed!"
- "You can start telling the guys at props and costumes that the old R-man is back, ready to start whistling them happy tunes to the little chil'lins."
- "Whose toes you have to suck to get a drink around here?"
- "You need someone for that slot and I'm here to reclaim what's mine.
- "Have you forgotten what we once had?
- "And limber. Why we broke up, I'll never know.
- "We could have worked through that. Goddamn it, Nora! The public is clamoring for me. I'm a fucking patriot compared to Mopes. Mopes is a Nazi! Probably gay too." You should've seen the way he was checking me out in the car!
- "I'm just saying it's a vibe. Ya know, a homosexual Nazi vibe. Something emmits from the TV. What's with the Smoochy costume? Big erect horn, what's that all about?"
- "What do you mean talking fast? I'm not talking fast." I still love you, Nora.
- "I know why we broke up now: always the insinuations and accusations. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!!"
- "I'm trying to sleep asshole! Read the fucking meter some other time!"
- "This is private property. You're fucking trespassing....(scream)."
- "(Groaning in pain)..........I don't know what you're talking about. I'm minding my own business here. You're violating my private spaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......(Groans)."
- "Alright you spud-sucking fucks! I'm suing your River Dance ass! I'm gonna send all you back home, eh?!"
- "I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank God we cleared everything without further violence."
- "My name isn't Wandolph, it's Randolph."
- "In a country full of Neanderthals, I wear it as a fucking badge of honor."
- "Well, I barely know that bitch okay, and she's been down on everything but the Titanic. She scratched my cream cheese for Sheldon."
- "Who the fuck said that? Look man, I'm not mentally imbalanced. I'm on the same dosage I've always been!"
- "Who grabbed my ass! Get away! Don't touch me!"
- "I've been shot! I'm bleeding! That's salmonella! You're a lawyer! That's salmonella!"
- "I despised you. I loathed you!"
- "Bastard son of Barney!"
- "Die! Die, you soft son of Flop! You illegitimate Teletubby! Die, you Muppet from Hell! Die, you foam motherfucker! Die! Die!"
- "It was an accident."
- "(Screams) I'm the one who needs to be saved, not that ottoman with the hood ornament! Me! Save the Rainbow! Save the Rainbow!"
- "This is the story about a venomous rhino and his aggressive campaign to slander, vilify, defame, denigrate, and villainize my good name! But the one thing he can't do is take away my life! Only I have the power to do that. Smoochy did this to me! I could no longer live in a world where the innocents suffer and the wicked thrive! I'm sorry for putting you through this my friends, don't try to talk me out of this! Aaaaahhhhhaaa! You won't see another Rainbow Randolph in this life time! This is for you Smoochy! You did this to me!"
- "Oh God, what does it all mean?!"
- "Oh, what the fuck am I watching here? Your little soap opera? (Gibberish).......SHUT UP! This is my show! Do you have any idea the power of a condemned man, do you?"
- "Oh, go blow yourself Martha. Look what you've done to this place. It's all Dian Fossey; when I lived here, it was Bob Fosse. Right there, had a big painting of a naked chick, holding a little plant, very tasteful, no bush; not a picture of your fucking mother!"
- "Oh thank you Mother Theresa. Why don't you tell that to the angry mob outside? They want my fucking ass. I'm like a Goddamn toaster at Macy's! Randolph's Ass: Aisle 3."
- "Oh-ho-ho-no. Do not start with your magician's tricks, young Moses. I am Pharaoh, and you are my slave, and this is my kingdom!"
- "She's right, you know. Don't make the same mistake I did. Keep your dignity intact. Ahh.... my balls! They're on fire!"
- "I don't know. I'm kinda fucked up in general, so it's hard to gauge."