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Peter Loew

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Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn't ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That's right, Alva. It's a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I'll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.
~ Peter Loew, in what is probably the most famous scene of the movie.

Peter Loew is the main protagonist in the 1989 horror-comedy film Vampire's Kiss. Despite being the protagonist, he performs many villainous acts. These acts include antagonizing (and later attempting to rape) his secretary Alva, and murdering a young girl at a club by biting her neck because he was under the impression that he was a vampire. During the course of the film, Loew's mental state deteriorates and towards the end, it is difficult to distinguish between what is actually happening and what is just in Loew's imagination.


Peter is a young literary agent whose life revolves around business and decadence. During one of his many ne-night stands, Peter's apartment is invaded by a bat and he later admits to feeling aroused at the sight of it, though he doesn't know why. At work, Peter gains a client who requests a copy of a contract for a short story written in the 60s. Since the contract is so old, Peter tells his secretary Alva to search through the files.

Peter has a one-night stand with a mysterious woman named Rachel who bites him on the neck with her abnormally sharp teeth while having sex. This incident may have been in Peter's mind, since he cuts himself shaving in that exact same area and imagines having breakfast with someone who isn't there.

For the next few days, Peter torments Alva over the fact that she hasn't found the contract yet. He frightens her so badly that she tells Peter that she carries a gun, which is later revealed to be real, albeit loaded with blanks.

Peter's social life is hindered by his hallucinations of Rachel, who has turned him into her love slave. After watching Nosferatu on TV, Peter begins to believe that he's turning into a vampire. He develops an aversion to sunlight, can't see his own reflection and cries out in pain at the sight of crucifixes.

You don't say

Peter Loew delivering the above quote to Alva. This face became a popular internet meme known as "You don't say?"

When Alva refuses to come to work, Peter takes a taxi over to her house and tries to make peace with her. Alva decides to give him the benefit of the doubt and comes back to work, at which point Peter drops his friendly façade and orders her to get back to finding the contract. Later that night, Alva finally finds the contract, but Peter's psychosis gets the better of him and he rapes her, believing Alva to be his vampire lover Rachel. When he regains his sanity, Peter is shocked to see what he's done. He takes Alva's gun and tries to kill himself, but since the bullets are blanks they don't work.

Convinced that he's a real vampire, Peter turns his once lavish apartment into a vampire's den. He gets a pair of plastic fangs and starts eating wild animals, before moving onto humans. When he kills a girl by biting her neck, Rachel appears and tells him they're done. Incensed, Peter chases after Rachel, finding the real one and trying to prize her mouth open to expose her teeth to everyone.

Peter staggers through the streets, howling madly and carrying a piece of wood in the hopes that someone will stake him and end his suffering. He imagines going to his therapist and talking about how he wants to find true love. His imaginary therapist tells him that one of her patients is an ideal match for him. Peter then strolls back to his apartment, cheerfully conversing with his imaginary girlfriend. By the time he gets home however, Peter starts fighting with her before sending her out. At that moment, Alva's brother tracks Peter down out of vengeance for raping his sister. Well and truly done with life, Peter offers Alva's brother his piece of wood, which he uses to stake Peter through his heart.

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