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My boy! My people are in great danger and are in need of your help!
~ The Pedophile

The "Pedophile" is the main villain from the Cyanide and Happiness episode "The Wardrobe".

He is a kidnapper that abducts children from their homes with the promise of "adventure" for presumably sexual purposes. The pedophile appears as a middle-aged man with thin stubble and hair. He wears rounded glasses with grey frames as well as a light grey shirt and black pants.

He also made a cameo in the segment "Being Ugly is Awesome Sometimes" in the first episode of The Cyanide and Happiness Show, "A Day at the Beach".


The pedophile appears to be intelligent and crafty, as he fools the child into entering his van. He also seems to take pleasure in his actions, as he cackles evilly after abducting a child.

From the barred door in the back of his van and his appearance in The Cyanide and Happiness Show, it can be assumed that he has kidnapped a number of children.


The Wardrobe

"The Wardrobe" begins with a young boy playing with toy trucks in his room. Suddenly, a lion (resembling Aslan from The Chronicles of Narnia franchise) bursts out of the boy's wardrobe. He tells the boy that his people are in danger and need to be saved. He then asks if the boy is ready to go on a "magical adventure". The boy agrees and follows the lion into the wardrobe.

However, it turns out that there is a hole in the back of the wardrobe and the wall behind it, leading to a parked white van. The van drives away with the boy in the passenger's seat with the lion driving. The lion turns out to be the pedophile in a intricate costume, which the pedophile removes, laughing evilly.

The boy then unzips a costume, revealing to be a lion himself. The pedophile tries to escape, but is mauled and eaten by the lion. The lion then unzips another costume to reveal that it was truly a boy the whole time. The boy burps and drives away.

The Cyanide and Happiiness Show: "A Day at the Beach"

The pedophile appears for a few moments in the segment "Being Ugly is Awesome Sometimes". In it, he grabs a handsome young boy from the playground and rushes him back to his van before driving away, completely ignoring an ugly boy next to him. The episode then declares that "being ugly is awesome sometimes".