|“||Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.||„|
|~ Healy, as he spys on Mary.|
Healy is a sleazy private eye who is hired by Ted Stroehmann, the protagonist, to find his high school sweetheart Mary Matthews and dig up information on her. After finding Mary, Healy falls for her himself and tells Ted that she is morbidly obese, a single mother, handicapped, and a soon-to-be mail order bride, hoping to make Ted lose interest. Ted decides to visit her anyway while Healy moves to Miami to pursue her. After stalking Mary for a while and learning what she looks for in a man, Healy poses as the man of her dreams and the two begin to date.
The relationship is derailed when Ted arrives and enters the picture, as well as when Mary's friend Tucker slanders Healy and claims that he is a serial killer. Tucker appears to be a handicapped British architect, but is really a pizza boy who also lusts for Mary. Eventually, Tucker and Healy team up to get rid of Ted, but in the end, she rejects them (along with several other suitors) and chooses to be with Ted.