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Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
~ Larry Quinn to Conrad about military school.

Lawrence "Larry" Quinn is the main antagonist of the 2003 live action film adaptation of The Cat in the Hat. He is the Waldens' pompous neighbor who wants to marry Joan Walden for her wealth and get rid of her son Conrad by sending him to military school.

He was portrayed by Alec Baldwin, who also portrayed Fred Frenger Junior in Miami Blues, Mark Cordell in The JurorNick Kudrow in Mercury Rising, Dennis in The Spongebob Squarepants Movie, Makunga in Madagascar 2: Back to Africa and Donald Trump in Saturday Night Live.

Personality

Briefly appearing humble, Larry sets himself up as an ideal boyfriend to Joan, but in reality he's an unemployed deadbeat living in financial debt and wants her fortune. He has very poor manners, such as burping in front of others. He doesn't truly love Joan, just using her to gain an easier lifestyle. He also dislikes beeing called Larry. He is too lazy to work for a living, has gluttony, (using a girdle to cover up his large gut, much to his discomfort), and poor hygiene; evidenced by having false teeth and dirty laundry scattered across his home.

Larry is also very vain, arrogant, and hypocritical as he compliments himself as "perfect", despite being a disgusting slob. He also has a manipulative side and constantly tries to manipulate Joan to agree with her.

He loathes Conrad as he thinks of him as a stupid kid and a rule-breaker who will never amount to anything in life. At first, he suggested he wanted to send Conrad into military school to straighten up his behavior, but it turns out that he only wants to do it to get rid of him. It's possible that he also despises Conrad's sister Sally (and other children) as well as he calls her a "suck up" for being a sycophant towards Joan, even attempting to get rid of her by catching her in trouble as well.

Lawrence ends up making a fool of himself after trying to turn Joan against her kids, which resulted in a disgusted Joan to dump him for his actions.

History

Larry first appears posing as a real estate agent, returning Joan’s dog Nevins to her after Conrad gets into trouble for messing up the house. He believes the disobedient boy should be sent to military school to discipline him, though Joan is unsure of the offer despite Conrad’s misbehavior. Conrad overhears his conversation with his mother, saying he is not going to military school. Lawrence immediately displays his arrogance by verbally abusing Conrad, but complimenting himself. He then leaves claiming to have a meeting, though Conrad spots him exiting his car and returning to his house after Joan drives away.

Later on, Lawrence confronts Conrad and Sally jumping on their couch. He reveals his true colors by calling Sally a ‘suck-up’. He then shows his gross and selfish side by stealing some beer and bread and burping into their faces. He leaves after his allergy to cat dander surfaces after the Cat in the Hat's fur falls near him. Larry's later revealed as a slob back in his home, which is in ruins and disarray. Several repo men arrive to repossess his TV, much to his dismay after failing to bribe them with an expired credit card. He then sees Nevins running on the streets again, and seizes this as an opportunity to get the kids in trouble. He calls Joan on the phone and reports this. He brings up the early discussion of military school, which she reluctantly considers. After her boyfriend just hastily hangs up, Joan becomes suspicious and mistrustful about Lawrence. He then kidnaps Nevins, planning to deliver him to Joan, but the Cat (posing as a hippie) tricks him into giving Nevins back to the kids.

Larry soon realizes the deception after seeing Conrad, Sally, and the Cat scamper off with Nevins as they attempt to hurry home. The Cat drags Larry into his secret place, located in a telephone booth, and manages to get him lost. He whines when he is unable to find them after exiting. Larry then goes over to Joan’s office and convince her to go back to the house with him to ensure that her kids were up to no good, constantly nagging her to hurry home. However, they get pulled over by Thing 1 and Thing 2 (posing as police officers), and Lawrence decides to take matters into his own hands by stealing one of the Thing’s motorcyles to drive to Joan’s house himself, telling Joan to meet him there (also increasing her doubt). There, he catches the kids and plans to have them punished by their mother, but is surprised to see that the house is clean. At that point, the Cat personally appears to startle Larry, who sneezes, tearing through a wall and plummeting down a cliff screaming to his death, revealing the Cat’s world and causing the house to be messed up.

Upset by the turn of events, Conrad and Sally decide to take full responsibility for what happened and face punishment from their mother, but the Cat and the Things fixed up the house to its original state (much to the kids’ delight). In the meantime, Larry ends up surviving while being covered in purple goo after being flushed from the house through a small pipe.

After the Cat and the Things leave, Joan returns home, only to see that everything is just the way it is. However, Lawrence, covered in purple goo, arrives on the scene, furious at the kids of the humiliation he went through. He attempts to explain the events that occurred and tells her to make a decision. Joan admits that while Conrad's behavior can be frustrating to the point she could pull her hair out, but despite it all she admits Conrad is a good kid and she believes in him. She then dumps Lawrence and demands for him to leave, tearing up the military school brochure and sticking it onto his sticky chest. This leaves him in tears before sneezing into his hands and leaving a trail of snot, much to Joan's repulse. Rejecting his proposal, she finally closes the door on him as he's heard sobbing her name.

It is unknown what happened to Larry afterwards, though a deleted scene shows him exiting the porch while spotting Nevins licking off a purple goo splotch on the walkway. Lawrence angrily attempts to kick the dog as revenge against the Waldens, but the purple goo transforms Nevins into a larger dog, allowing him to fight back by ripping Lawrence’s pants off, much to his embarrassment. Nevins then chases a frightened Larry away, while the several repo men are towing Larry’s car away.

Quotes

Hey, sport! Call me "Lawrence", okay?
~ Larry to Conrad when he's first greeted as "Larry".
The military academy for troubled youth is what we in salesmen call a win-win scenario!
~ Larry trying to convince Joan to get Conrad into military school.
It's only eight hours away!
~ Larry telling Joan not to worry about how far military school is for Conrad.
I don't like you either, but I'm gonna marry your mom!
~ Larry admitting how he really feels about Conrad and his intentions towards Joan.
And if it was up to me, you'd be in military school today!
~ Larry vowing to send Conrad off to military school as punishment.
Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay..... NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!!
~ Larry showing his true colors to Sally.
Good bread!
~ Larry eating Sally and Conrad's food without their permission and belching loudly, much to their disgust.
Is there a cat in here?
~ Larry sneezing from the Cat in the Hat (who is clinging to the ceiling above him) shedding his fur.
You know, Nevins, when Joan finds out you've escaped again, Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in.
~ Larry verbally abusing the pet dog Nevins about his plans for the Walden family.
I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait till Joan gets a load of you!
~ Larry getting angry at Nevins for urinating on his food out of revenge.
COME BACK HERE!! I'm on to you, kids!!
~ Larry chasing Conrad and Sally after they get the Cat in the Hat to trick him into handing over Nevins.
Not so fast, you little maggots! Oh, you are SO busted! Now get inside!
~ Larry ambushing Conrad and Sally at their house and prepared to have them punished.
Why am I sneezing? (Cat taps on Larry's shoulder. Larry turns around) (Cat: That'd be me. BOO! Hahaha!) You're a GIANT... (sneezes more)...... CAAAAT!!! (falls off a cliff) JUDAS PRIEEEST!
~ Larry meeting the Cat in the Hat in person while sneezing before falling into the Cat's world.
They happened to me: your demonic children. THEY DESTROYED YOUR HOUSE!! The house was alive, the wall was made of paper, I fell off a cliff.... and THE GIANT CAT!! The giant cat! Tell her! (Conrad: Larry, Larry, you look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This... is what we in sales call... a win-win scenario.) Joan, you're passing off the opportunity of a lifetime, you know what kind of kid your boy is! I mean, who are you going to believe?! (Joan: You're right. I do know what kind of kid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible...) Yes! (Joan:... he makes bad choices....) Yes! (Joan:.... sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out....) Yes! Yes! Yes! (Joan: ...but he's a good kid, and I believe in him. Now, I'd like you to leave.) Wha.. Joan?!
~ Larry unsuccessfully trying to get Joan to believe him instead of her children.
{Salesman: Want to buy the big one today? Larry: Don't do that. Salesman: Oh no sir, you don't want that one we just repossessed it from some deadbeat. {Ironically referring to Larry} Uh, maybe I can show you a big screen. Larry: Yeah all I can afford. Wait! Wait! What if I told you I want to put a little down now, somewhere in the two to four dollar range, and come back, and then pay off the whole thing in two weeks? Salesman: Are you planning on winning the lottery? Larry: Even better. I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me! Salesman: Wonderful. Larry: Thanks to this dork the bratty kids can be shipped off to military school and I'll turn his bedroom into a home theatre! Show me the biggest screen!
~ Larry strikes a deal with a salesman at the TV store while bragging about his evil plans.
Will you marry me, Joan? Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan! (sobs as the door closes on him)
~ Lawrence before he's rejected by a disgusted Joan and pushed out of the Waldens' home.
Hold still while I kick the tar out of YOU! (Nevins growls back and grows) AAH!! Oh! AAH! LET GO!! LET GO OF MY LEG!!! AAH!!!
~ Larry's last words as he's being chased by a transformed Nevins while attempting to kick him out of rage.

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