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Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
~ Larry Quinn to Conrad about military school.

Lawrence "Larry" Quinn is the main antagonist of the 2003 live action film adaptation of The Cat in the Hat. He is the Waldens' pompous neighbor whose goal is to marry Joan Walden for her wealth and get rid of her son Conrad by sending him to military school.

He was portrayed by Alec Baldwin, who also voiced Dennis in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie and Makunga in Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa.

Personality

Briefly appearing humble, Lawrence poses as an estate agent to set himself up as the ideal boyfriend to Joan. But in reality, he's really an unemployed deadbeat living in financial debt. He doesn't truly love Joan, just using her as a pawn in his scheme to gain an easier lifestyle by inheriting fortune via marriage, and cares little for her feelings. He also dislikes being called Larry.

Larry has very poor manners, such as burping in front of others and is too lazy to work for a living; sitting around his home watching television. He has an appetite (using a girdle to cover up his large gut, much to his discomfort) and poor hygiene; evidenced by having false teeth and filthy laundry and dishware around his home.

Larry is also shown to be very vain and an arrogant hypocrite, as he compliments himself as "perfect", despite being a disgusting slob. He also has a manipulative side, constantly using it on Joan to get her to agree with him.

He loathes Conrad as he thinks of him as a stupid kid and a rule-breaker who will never amount to anything in life. He is also very selfish; at first, he suggested he wanted to send Conrad into military school to straighten up his behavior, but it turns out that he only wants to do it to get rid of him. It's possible that he also despises Conrad's sister Sally and dog Nevins (along with other children and animals), calling the former a "suck up" for her sycophant loyalty to her mother and views the latter an insignificant animal, and even attempting to catch them in trouble with Joan as well. This shows he wants to rid Joan of her family so he can maintain control of her and her money.

Lawrence ends up making a fool of himself after trying to turn Joan against her kids, the only result is a disgusted Joan dumping him for his actions.

History

Lawrence first appears posing as a real estate agent, returning Joan's dog Nevins to her after Conrad gets into trouble for messing up the house. He believes the disobedient boy should be sent to military school to discipline him, though Joan, despite Conrad’s misbehavior, is unsure and believes it's not right for him. Conrad overhears his conversation with his mother (along with the attempted manipulation), saying he is not going to military school. Lawrence immediately displays his arrogance by verbally abusing Conrad before reverting to his facade when sensing Joan's returning presence. He then leaves claiming to have a meeting, though Conrad spots him exiting his car and returning to his house after Joan has driven away from sight.

Later on, Lawrence confronts Conrad and Sally jumping on their couch. He exposes his true colors by calling Sally a "suck-up". He then shows his gross and selfish side by stealing some beer and bread and burping into their faces, much to their disgust. He leaves when his allergy to cat dander surfaces after the Cat in the Hat's fur falls near him.

Lawrence is later revealed as a rude, disgusting, careless, and overweight slob too lazy to work for a living. Unable to pay off his debts, he lives in financial ruin. So he poses as a real estate agent to get Joan's approval and hand in marriage in order to obtain her wealth and mooch off her. As several repo men arrive to repossess his TV, much to his dismay, after he fails to bribe them with an expired credit card as they leave, he notices Nevins running on the streets again and sees this as an opportunity to get the kids in trouble, finally realizing his goals. He calls Joan on the phone and reports this. Larry brings up the early discussion of military school, to which she reluctantly considers. When her boyfriend just hangs up after a less than empathetic response to her feelings on the matter, Joan grows suspicious of Lawrence and begins to doubt him, suspecting he might have ulterior motives.

In a deleted scene, while the Cat, Sally and Conrad pursue Larry with Nevins kidnapped, he encounters the repo truck, as well as the repo men from earlier take his repossessed TV into a TV shop called Safari Sam’s. While Lawrence strikes a deal with the TV salesman about using Joan's money for a new TV, the Cat, Sally, and Conrad manage to rescue Nevins, but were almost caught by Lawrence, so the Cat disguises himself as an animal rug. While Lawrence starts his deal, the Cat tries to hold in his painful suffering, but when he sees a guy on a pogo stick, the Cat couldn’t take it anymore and knocks down the employees and Larry. Lawrence, angry by this, pursues the Cat, Conrad, Sally, and Nevins out of the TV store and back into the street.

Larry drags Nevins to his car, planning to deliver him to Joan, but Nevins whizzes on his taco as revenge for kidnapping him. Larry arrives at Joan's office to deliver Nevins to her. But the Cat (posing as a hippie) tricks him into giving Nevins back to the kids. Larry soon realizes the deception after seeing Conrad, Sally, and the Cat scamper off with Nevins as they attempt to hurry home. The Cat drags Larry into his secret place, located in a telephone booth, and manages to get him lost. He whines when he is unable to find them after exiting. Larry then goes back over to Joan’s office and convince her to go back to the house with him to ensure that her kids were up to no good, constantly nagging her to hurry home. However, they get pulled over by Thing 1 and Thing 2 (posing as police officers).

Seeing the trio in his car, Larry decides to take matters into his own hands by stealing one of the Thing’s motorcycles to drive to Joan’s house himself and tells her to meet him there while the two Things distract Joan. There, he catches the kids and plans to have them punished by their mother and is surprised to see that the house is clean. At that point, the Cat personally appears to startle Lawrence, who sneezes and staggers into a wall. He screams "JUDAS PRIEST" while falling off a cliff and down in a purple river, revealing the Cat’s world (better known as The Mother of all Messes).

Upset by the turn of events and that house being ruined, Conrad and Sally dismiss the Cat by making him leave the damaged house, and decide to take full responsibility for what happened and face punishment from their mother. Fortunately, the Cat and the Things fix up the house to its original state (much to the kids’ delight). In the meantime, Larry is revealed to have survived his ordeal. He's covered in purple slime after being flushed from the house through a small pipe. Recovering, a last dosage of sludge splashes on his face, greatly grossing him.

After the Cat and the Things have left, Joan returns home to a clean house and warm greetings from her kids and Mrs. Kwan before being startled by purple slimed Lawrence. Seething with anger, he hysterically explains the events that occurred but Joan finds them hard to believe. He tells her she's missing a perfect opportunity and asks her who she'll believe. Joan admits that while Conrad's behavior can go to the point that she could rip her hair off in frustration, she deems he's a good kid and believes in him. No longer susceptible to his manipulations, she dumps Larry and demands him to leave her home. He can only snivel her name as she tears up the military school brochure and plasters it on his sticky chest. He breaks down in tears and falls on his knees. He soon catches a sneeze in his hands and leaving a snot trail between his nose and hands, much to Joan's repulse. Lawrence tries to make a desperate marriage proposal, but Joan rejects him for his disgusting nature and she and Sally finally close the door on him as he's heard sobbing.

It is unknown what happened to Larry afterwards, though another deleted scene shows him exiting the porch while spotting Nevins licking off a purple goo splotch on the walkway. Angered he's lost his chance at a life of luxury, Larry attempts to kick the dog as revenge against the Waldens. To his surprise, the purple goo transforms Nevins into a larger dog and allows him to fight back by ripping Larry's pants off, much to his embarrassment. Nevins then chases a frightened Larry away while several repo men tow Larry's car away.

It is likely presumed Lawrence will eventually be homeless unless he finds true employment.

Quotes

Hey, sport! Call me "Lawrence", okay?
~ Larry to Conrad when he's first greeted as "Larry".
The military academy for troubled youth is what we in salesmen call a win-win scenario!
~ Larry trying to convince Joan to get Conrad into military school.
It's only eight hours away!
~ Larry telling Joan not to worry about how far military school is for Conrad.
I don't like you either, but I'm gonna marry your mom!
~ Larry admitting how he really feels about Conrad and his intentions towards Joan.
And if it was up to me, you'd be in military school today!
~ Larry vowing to send Conrad off to military school as punishment.
Sally, baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay..... NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!!
~ Larry showing his true colors to Sally.
Good bread!
~ Larry eating Sally and Conrad's food without their permission and belching loudly, much to their disgust.
Is there a cat in here?
~ Larry sneezing from the Cat in the Hat (who is clinging to the ceiling above him) shedding his fur.
You’re repossessing my TV?
~ Larry as the repo men arrive to repossess his TV he was watching.
You know, Nevins, when Joan finds out you've escaped again, Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in.
~ Larry verbally abusing the pet dog Nevins about his plans for the Walden family.
{Salesman: Welcome to the jungle! Want to buy the big one today? Larry: Don't do that. I want to talk to you about this TV. Salesman: Oh no sir, you don't want that one. We just repossessed it from some deadbeat. {Ironically referring to Larry} Uh, maybe I can show you a big screen. Larry: Yeah all I can afford. Wait! Wait! What if I told you I want to put a little down now, somewhere in the two to four dollar range, and come back, and then pay off the whole thing in two weeks? Salesman: Are you planning on winning the lottery? Larry: Even better. I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me! Salesman: Wonderful. Larry: Thanks to this dork the bratty kids can be shipped off to military school and I'll turn his bedroom into a home theatre! Show me the biggest screen!
~ Larry strikes a deal with a salesman at the TV store while bragging about his evil plans in a deleted scene.
I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait till Joan gets a load of you!
~ Larry getting angry at Nevins for urinating on his food out of revenge.
COME BACK HERE!! I'm on to you, kids!!
~ Larry chasing Conrad and Sally after they get the Cat in the Hat to trick him into handing over Nevins.
Not so fast, you little maggots! Oh, you are SO busted! Now get inside!
~ Larry ambushing Conrad and Sally at their house and prepared to have them punished.
Why am I sneezing? (Cat taps on Larry's shoulder. Larry turns around) (Cat: That'd be me. BOO! Hahaha!) You're a GIANT... (sneezes more)...... CAAAAT!!! (falls off a cliff) JUDAS PRIEEEST!
~ Larry meeting the Cat in the Hat in person while sneezing before falling into the Cat's world.
They happened to me: your demonic children. THEY DESTROYED YOUR HOUSE!! The house was alive, the wall was made of paper, I fell off a cliff.... and THE GIANT CAT!! The giant cat! Tell her! (Conrad: Larry, Larry, you look terrible, and my mom thinks you're insane. This... is what we in sales call... a win-win scenario.) Joan, you're passing off the opportunity of a lifetime, you know what kind of kid your boy is! I mean, who are you going to believe?! (Joan: You're right. I do know what kind of kid Conrad is. He can be irresponsible...) Yes! (Joan:... he makes bad choices....) Yes! (Joan:.... sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out....) Yes! Yes! Yes! (Joan: ...but he's a good kid, and I believe in him. Now, I'd like you to leave.) Wha.. Joan?!
~ Larry unsuccessfully trying to get Joan to believe him instead of her children.
Will you marry me, Joan? Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan! (sobs as the door closes on him)
~ Lawrence before he's rejected by a disgusted Joan and kicked out of the Waldens' home.
Hold still while I kick the tar out of YOU! (Nevins growls and barks as he transforms into a bigger dog) AAH!! Oh! AAH! LET GO!! LET GO OF MY LEG!!! AAH!!!
~ Larry's last words as he's being chased away by a large Nevins while attempting to kick him out of rage in a deleted scene.

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