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Kaylee Hooper

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You can't beat me, Mr. Donaghy! You worked your way into this world, but I? I was born into it. I breathe it. So watch your step. 'Cause I can always tell Pop-Pop you gave me alcohol.
~ To Jack, "TGS Hates Women"

Kaylee Hooper is a character appearing in three episodes of the NBC sitcom 30 Rock. She is the so-called "nemesis" of Jack Donaghy, one of the main characters of the show.

She was played by Chloe Grace Moretz, who also played Abby in Let Me In.

History

TGS Hates Women

Kaylee first appears in the episode "TGS Hates Women." Jack conspires to become Hank Hooper's successor as CEO of Kabletown, a family-owned business, by persuading Hank's teenage granddaughter Kaylee to choose another career path. He gives Kaylee a private tour of TGS and gets her to admit that she doesn't really want to become head of Kabletown when she's older. Kaylee tells Jack she's more into oceanography, so Jack introduces her to famous oceanographer Bob Ballard.

Later, Jack sees a collage that Kaylee made and notices that it includes a photo that's only in one source: his autobiography Jack Attack. Convinced something isn't quite right, he confronts Kaylee outside of her private school, grabs her backpack, and spills the contents out onto the ground, finding a copy of Jack Attack among her belongings. Kaylee then reveals her true manipulative and highly ambitious nature, admitting she was manipulating Jack as much as he was manipulating her.

Kaylee insists Jack can't beat her and warns him to watch his step, because she can always tell her grandfather that Jack gave her alcohol, to which Jack counters he can always seduce one of her teachers and get them to fail her. Jack then tells her to pick up her books or she'll be late for class, to which Kaylee replies it's her free period. He concedes and leaves, and Kaylee rudely orders one of her friends to pick up her books before walking back into the school.

Standards and Practices

Kaylee gets two young contestants on America's Got Kids Singin', drunk, causing a media uproar that requires Hank to leave town for a time to resolve the matter. Jack figures out that Kaylee is the mastermind behind the debacle and confronts her in her hotel room. Kaylee breaks down and tells him that she only wanted to get her grandfather to leave town so he won't be able to attend a meeting with her principal, Dr. Melvoin. It turns out that Kaylee posted unsavory photos of a classmate online, and now Melvoin is pushing for her to be expelled. Jack, sympathetic to Kaylee's absence of a parental figure in her life, agrees to attend the meeting with Melvoin.

At the meeting, Kaylee's contradictory story causes Jack to realize she's faking her tears and agrees that Kaylee should be expelled. Later on, however, he's suddenly hit with the realization that he's been duped again by Kaylee, so he confronts her with his conclusion that she actually wanted to be expelled. Kaylee confirms his suspicions, saying she wants to attend another school so she'll be closer to her boyfriend, who's attending NYU.

As Kaylee starts to leave, Jack informs her that her new school won't have a lacrosse field to play on, meaning she won't be able to play lacrosse (Jack had earlier spotted a lacrosse ball on Melvoin's desk after he once again grabbed Kaylee's backpack and spilled the contents out). Kaylee tries to save face but ends up angrily telling Jack, "Damn you, Donaghy!" She then leaves.

Game Over

Jack learns that Kaylee has been meeting with Devon Banks, whom he confronts at his exercise studio. Devon tells Jack he's heard rumors that Kaylee isn't Hank's granddaughter and that she's really the product of an affair her mother had with the pool boy. Jack then conspires to find evidence that confirms Kaylee isn't a Hooper by birth so he'll be next in line to become CEO of Kabletown. He enlists Jenna Maroni to steal Kaylee's cellphone so Jack can get the girl's fingerprints, but Kaylee charms Jenna into admitting Jack's plan to her.

Kaylee confronts Jack in his office, demonstrates she has Jenna under her thrall, and taunts the older man, saying she doesn't use a cellphone (she uses a tiny device called a Gadzorp), before leaving with Jenna, though not before taking a sip from a glass she leaves behind. Jack then takes the glass and has a DNA analysis done, apparently confirming that Kaylee is not Hank's granddaughter.

Later, Jack holds a small party in his office, which Kaylee and Jenna crash. Jack reveals to Kaylee her supposed true heritage and declares his victory. Kaylee then bursts into laughter, at which point Devon reveals his true allegiance to Kaylee. She then reveals that she had her glass switched with one that Jenna drank from, meaning the DNA Jack had analyzed was actually Jenna's. She asserts she is indeed Hank's granddaughter and announces her intentions to tell her grandfather of Jack's effort to sabotage her, remarking that Hank holds family to be important.

As Kaylee starts to leave Jack's office with Jenna and Devon, Jack reveals that he tricked Devon into mailing a birthday card to Hank and asserts that Hank holds his birthday to be just as important as family, causing Kaylee to realize with horror that she didn't buy a birthday present for her grandfather and that Jack has won. Crushed, she laments that now she'll have to "go into publishing, marry a finance guy, and...do charity stuff." She then tearfully tells Jack, "Damn you, Donaghy," before leaving the office, defeated.

Quotes

Well, I've never told anyone in my family this before, but my dream is to be a marine biologist. My favorite fish is the cleaner wrasse, and I even tried to get it chosen as our school mascot but, well, I was outvoted. So our new mascot is a slut.
~ To Jack, "TGS Hates Women"
You know Dr. Ballard? He discovered the Titanic, the Lusitania and, according to his website, a guilt-free cheesecake recipe.
~ To Jack, "TGS Hates Women"
Same reason you're reading Pop-Pop's book: Researching the enemy.
~ To Jack, after her scheme is exposed, "TGS Hates Women"
What a super sleuth. You're just like Vanessa from the Vampire Detective Mysteries.
~ To Jack, "TGS Hates Women"
I hate the ocean. It's for tools.
~ To Jack, "TGS Hates Women"
So, Jack, how's your wife? Still kidnapped?
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
I'm tall enough now that there isn't a roller coaster in the world I can't go on.
~ To Brock and Ava, "Standards and Practices"
So, you guys drink beer? Or are you babies?
~ To Brock and Ava, "Standards and Practices"
This has nothing to do with you! I just had to get Pop-Pop out of town because I am in so much trouble! Henry and his friends had to go to the King of Prussia Mall last Thursday night 'cause it was a half-day, and I couldn't go 'cause I had piano, and my friend Vickie, well, she said she got grounded 'cause she went to some highlighter party with Dylan while his parents were out of town. [...] And then Fat Vickie saw her there, so I called her, and Henry answered her phone because he had Vickie's phone! [...] Vickie P! Are you even listening to me?! [...] God! Vickie used to be my best friend. I had her YouFace password, so I logged onto her account and posted all these photos with "I am a slut" written on her forehead, and then school found out, so now my life is over! [...] This has nothing to do with you! I messed up the show to make sure Pop-Pop wouldn't come back to Philadelphia with me, 'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying to kick me out of school, and if Pop-Pop comes to the teacher conference, well, then, he'll let them expel me, and I'll have to go to some school in the middle of nowhere, and then I might as well be dead!
~ To Jack, ranting about her predicament, "Standards and Practices"
Who knows? My mom is in Indonesia visiting her charity where poor children make shoes.
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
I know! And then my dad put a Porsche engine in a model and drove it to Mardi Gras!
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
I don't know. I have nobody! I wanna die!
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
I'm so sorry, Dr. Melvoin. You know, I already apologized to Vickie, and to Fat Vickie.
~ To Dr. Melvoin, "Standards and Practices"
I know. I know what I did was stupid, and I've really learned my lesson. Look, if I could go back in time, I'd just I'd skip clarinet, and I'd go to the spring football with my friends, and none of this ever would've happened.
~ To Dr. Melvoin, revealing discrepancies in her earlier story to Jack, "Standards and Practices"
Well...I don't remember. And I'm just so emotional right now.
~ Replying to Jack's question about the discrepancies in her earlier story to him, "Standards and Practices"
You bastard! Don't do this, Donaghy!
~ To Jack, after he exposes her lies, "Standards and Practices"
Enjoying my total lack of adult supervision. I just had Fruit Roll-ups for dinner...at a strip club.
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
Look who figured it out. It only took you, oh, I don't know, a million hours?
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
Now I'll be able to be close to my boyfriend Henry. Like Hot Vickie could ever steal him from me. He's going to NYU...to study acting. If Pop-Pop had gone to that meeting, he would have just written a check and made it all go away.
~ To Jack, "Standards and Practices"
Well, good, 'cause I planted that lacrosse ball there to get back at a girl I hate who plays lacrosse. Her name is Jack...ie. Jackie Office-Couch. Damn you, Donaghy!
~ To Jack, before leaving his apartment, "Standards and Practices"
Jack, pleasure's the name of a pony I hate. This is business.
~ To Jack, after entering his office, "Game Over"
So I just happened to bump into Jenna Maroni at lunch this afternoon. What are the chances?
~ To Jack, "Game Over"
Her brain's like silly putty, a toy I am too old for.
~ To Jack, about Jenna, "Game Over"
You're wearing that belt as a joke, right?
~ To Jenna in the bathroom, "Game Over"
Pathetic. What did you think you were gonna do, blackmail me? Please, I don't keep anything on my phone anymore. I use gadzorp. [...] You're so old and out of touch, Donaghy. I might as well be looking at...Justin Timberlake.
~ To Jack, before leaving with Jenna, "Game Over"
Jack. Sweet, sweet Jack. You wanted this so badly, you were willing to believe anything that Devin would team up with you, that I wouldn't notice Miss Foster sit on her testicles the other day, that my father is gay? I am Hank Hooper's granddaughter, Jack.
~ To Jack, "Game Over"
It was so simple. And when you made your move with Jenna, all I had to do was see straight through it, come back here, and plant that glass. You got the DNA results you were hoping for and sent them straight to Pop-Pop. [...] How do you think old Hank Hooper's gonna take that you attempting to destroy his family? There's nothing Pop-Pop cares more about than family. [...] Goodbye, Jack. See you never.
~ To Jack, "Game Over"
Okay. So you didn't do anything at all. Well, that's idiotic. The Kabletown Board is meeting tomorrow, and you've done nothing to change Pop-Pop's mind. You just wasted a whole week.
~ To Jack after he reveals his trump card, "Game Over"
I lost. After college, I'm gonna have to go into publishing and marry a finance guy and...do charity stuff. Damn you, Donaghy.
~ Final lines, "Game Over"

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