|“||What? I may be a turtle with glasses and a tie but I'm still evil.||„|
|~ Johnson (after an unusual display of violence)|
Johnson Johnson is a major villain (although he very rarely acts as such) in the parodic Internet series Press Start Adventures. He is Count Vile's personal assistant, most trusted advisor and occasional confidant.
Johnson is much more intelligent and competent than his boss, and regularly tries to point the most obvious facts of which Vile is completely oblivious, but seldom to avail. He also has to deal with his crazy staff members, who believe themselves to be wise lore masters advising young adventurers for a quest against evil, all of which being pretty hard to cope with without losing patience. To put it simply, he is pretty much the only sane man around.
Johnson appears to be polite, hard-working and mild-spoken, prompting the viewers to wonder what such a seemingly normal guy is doing under the command of a Dark Lord, but one should not be fooled by this non-threatening appearance and demeanour, he is as evil and ambitious as his boss and when the need arises, he proves to be a dangerous and merciless fighter.
In battle, he uses a machine gun coupled with a chainsaw, enabling him to fight both at long and close range and he never hesitates to empty a full load of bullets in the head of an already defeated enemy.
Johson is also very patient and when angered, he prefers annoyed mumbling over violent outbursts. Yet, he is not afraid of speaking his mind and giving lectures to higher beings (even God himself) and he HATES Zippy, (the insufferable smiling sprite that parodizes all the annoying aspects of Navi from Zelda Ocarina of Time tenfold) not believing God to be perfect simply because he created it.
Role in the Story
Johnson appears as a regular human who supervises the general administration of Count Vile's Empire of Evil, reports to his lord the general news, relays reports and orders between Vile and his armies of monsters and selects the candidates for the several jobs needed. (Usually general-in-chief for Vile's armies, as with Scarthkaroth's introduction.) He also sometimes performs the simplest tasks, always with undying loyalty and praiseworthy patience.
It is him who warns Vile about the giant Pac Man monster who slaughters his soldiers in the catacombs, and who assists him in dealing with them, twice. (While not finding the names Vile gave to the ghosts he summoned to fight it very threatening.) When Vile mistakes Plumber Pete (parody of Mario) and Buzz Porcupine (parody of Sonic) for the smoothers he expects for his new statue, Johnson spots a "Wanted" poster of them and tries unsuccessfully to warn his lord. He ends up writing insults on Vile's blueprints and framing them, prompting a furious Vile to beat them to a pulp.
Johnson unsuccessfully keeps warning Vile about the heroes' increasing threat. He accompanies him in the factory where the last relic that the heroes are searching for is kept, only to get contaminated by the Resident Evil-like virus and turned to a zombie. (Who retains his loyalty towards Vile, despite devouring his paper files. During the final battle, he gets accidentally struck by one of Vile's spells and gets turned into an anthropomorphic turtle (an aspect he retains during the second season) before dying in the explosion of Vile's underground lair, following Vile's death at the hand of the young prophesized hero Zack Nimbus.
Second SeasonJohnson retains his role as Vile's advisor and spokesperson, assisting him in his plot to open Hell's Gates and invade the world with the Demonic Legions.
Johnson first takes part (against his will) in the battle between Count Vile and Scarthkaroth, (who wants to take over Vile's throne as ruler of Hades) with Vile using him as an electrified projectile to take down his former general.
He is later tasked to find the second volume of the Dark Tome in the library of the damned, where he meets Zippy much to his displeasure. Then the hawk-faced door leading to the "lost levels" where the book is kept animates itself, in the exact same fashion as in Super Mario Bros 2 of which it is inspired, only to get mercilessly slaughtered by an aggravated Johnson. Alas, it is only the beginning of a perilious and nightmarish search for the Dark Tome (in fact a medley of the hardest levels from the first Mario games and the infamous underwater level of the Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles videogame).
When God appoints Trenton Belfast to force Vile to perform his duties as the Prince of Darkness, Johnson uses Belfast's obsession with chasing bats to distract him and remove him as an obstacle.
Later in the season he is the first to realize that Zippy is the pure soul that needs to be sacrificed to open Hell’s Gates. He then has to prove his point to Vile, who does not believe him and is ready to sacrifice him instead. He is one of the few villains who escape Hell alive and gets turned back to his human self, narrowly saving Vile from getting devoured by a giant Pac Man monster. Since Vile lost his dark powers, Johnson’s master degree in business management prove vital in the building of V Corporation, Vile’s manufacturing company, after Vile purchases a bankrupt video games society.
Johnson is in charge of the Vee Project, the mass product and worldwide selling of Vee Controllers (Wii motes). It is him who explains to (a very enthusiastic) Count Vile how to use a Vee Controller. Johnson does not take part in any battle, but it is him who finds and picks the Jackamo card that his lord was transformed into.