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Jesus Quintana

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You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus!
~ Jesus Quintana's most famous line

Jesus Quintana was a minor villain in the 1998 film The Big Lebowski. He is also gonna be the main protagonist in the 2017 film Going Places.

Jesus was portrayed by John Turturro.

Instead of pronouncing his name as Hey-Soos, which would have been the traditional Spanish way of pronouncing his name, Jesus instead pronounced his name in the English manner. He also insisted on referring to himself in the third person.

History

According to Walter Sobchak, Jesus was a sex offender with a record. Walter stated that Jesus had spent six months at Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old child. Walter also said that Jesus had to go door to door to tell everyone he was "a pederast" upon moving to Hollywood.

Jesus spent a great deal of time at the bowling alley with Liam O'Brien, perfecting his bowling technique and rolling strikes on a regular basis. He was due to face off against Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski. Lebowski admitted that Jesus was good at bowling, stating that creep could roll. For his part Jesus gleefully looked forward to the contest, asking the Dude, Walter, and Donny if they were ready in graphic terms and declaring that he and Liam O'Brien were going to defeat the Dude and his teammates up, also in graphic terms.

Having heard about Walter's propensity to solve issues at the bowling alley with firearms, Jesus made sure to let Walter know that he would not take any of that lying down. When the Dude replied with "Jesus," he replied that nobody messes with him.

Jesus was quite put off when the league rescheduled their match to accommodate Walter's religious need to have Saturday off, and angrily demanded to know why from Walter and his teammates. He then stormed off, saying that instead of violating them anally on Saturday, he would instead do it the following Wednesday instead. In response Walter said he was cracking.

Quotes

  • "Are you ready to be fucked, man? I see you've rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're going to fuck you up!"
  • "Let me tell you something, pandejo, you pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes. I'll take it away from you and stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'till it goes 'click'."
  • "HEY! What's this Day of Rest shit!? What's this bullshit!? I don't fucking care! It don't matter to Jesus. You haven't fooled me, but may have fooled the fucks in the league office."
  • "This bush-league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man. Haha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. WOOO! You've got a date Wednesday, baby!"

Trivia

  • Despite the limited role of Jesus Quintana in the film, the character was very popular and it turned out to be one of John Turturro's most well known roles.
  • The story of Quintana being a pederast is unreliable because Walter Sobchak has PTSD from Vietnam.

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