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Hanson

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I'm Hanson. I'm the caretaker.
~ Hanson

Hanson is a creepy caretaker of the Hell House and the second main antagonist of the 2001 parody film Scary Movie 2.

He was portrayed by comedian Chris Elliot.

He is the caretaker and chef of the Hell House mansion whose most striking feature is a malformed left hand that he refers to as his 'Strong Hand'. His hand proves a source of much disgust throughout the film, in particular during a dinner he had prepared for the guests of the house which he ruins by mashing his hand into the food as well as licking and humping a Turkey. It is later revealed he was working for the evil ghost of Hugh Kane and he worked for the Kane family that first owned the Hell House. He captured Brenda Meeks' brother Shorty and drugged him, claiming he did not, cut open his head and made him eat his own brain. He fought Cindy Campell, Brenda, and Theo Keyoko in the basement and later explodes. He comes back at the end as a hot dog vendor exclaiming he came back for Cindy, only to be hit with a car by a 'distracted' Shorty.

Quotes

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, child. Did I frighten you, child? Oh, I'm sorry. Are you scared?
~ Hanson
All right. I'll sing to you. ♪God is in his holy temple.♪♪ Better?
~ Hanson, singing "God is in His Holy Temple".
And what's your name, sweet child?
~ Hanson to Cindy Campell.
Cindy. Oh, but the resemblance is striking. Look at the thin cheek bones and the same lips. Same--same eyes. Look at your hair. Oh, I'm sorry. You've got the same nose. Tickle, tickle. Be-boop, be-boop on the nose. Ha, ha, ha!
~ Hanson to Cindy Campell (describing her to Hugh Kane's former lover Caroline).
Shall I show you to your room?
~ Hanson
Oh! Oh, that's heavy. Whoo! That's heavy! I better use my strong hand.
~ Hanson
Look, you got the panties-- Look at-- Oh, what cha got here?
~ Hanson
Can't forget your toothbrush. Gonna need that for later.
~ Hanson
OK. Here we go. Follow me, child.
~ Hanson
Watch my bottom. Comin' through.
~ Hanson
Come on. Right this way. Here we are.
~ Hanson
Well, yes. We've tried to rent it out, but people don't seem to want to stay very long.
~ Hanson about the Hell House.
Oh, there's old Mother Kane... and that's old Master Kane.
~ Hanson about the portraits of the Kane family.
That's Big Daddy Kane.
~ Hanson about the portrait of Big Daddy Kane.
That was the master's favorite toy. I don't know what it's doing out here. I swear. Sometimes I think, these toys have a mind of their own.
~ Hanson about the Clown Doll.
Oh, no, no, no. Not that room, sweetheart.
             No. That was the master's mistress's room.
             Yeah, he kind of was a little bit of a hornball.
No. You go and stay right over here.
             This was the room that belonged to the love of his life...
             his wife, Caroline.
Oh! Watch. My fanny's comin' through. Watch it. Make room for fanny.
~ Hanson
You know, I have been working out.
             I've been doing my bun busters every day.
             I squeeze really tight, and then I let loose.
             I squeeze really tight...
             and then let loose.
             Ooh!
             OK. Ooh!
Caroline looked beautiful in that dress.
             In fact, she always looked her best.
             Do you know that she used to entertain...
             for royalty and common folk and...
             even the President of the United States.
Oh, don't be frightened, child.
             This is just Mr. Kittles.
             He was the master's favorite pet.
             He's been in the family for generations.
             Look at him. He hasn't aged a day.
All right, child, I think I'll take my leave.
             You let me know if there's anything you need.
Excuse me, Professor...
             but your guests have begun to arrive...
             and supper shall be served shortly.
I'm actually the caretaker.
Oh, aren't those cool new skates?
             Now, you be careful with those.
             Don't want to fall and break something.
Well, that--that's awful kind of you.
             How about you give me a standing ovation?
Oh! OK. I see where you're going with this one. You look familiar to me. Were you in "Stomp"?
I think I'll be the bigger man now and walk away.
             Walk away.
who'd like some appetizers?
Thank you, my child.
             I made them by hand.
Here we go. I think the taters are just about done. I'm just gonna give them one quick whisk here.
OK, now. Dig in.
Now it's time for the turkey.
             Oh, what a beautiful bird.
It's my pleasure, but what a nice young man to offer.
             Let me give you a little pinch there.
             Come on.
You know, a lot of people...
             are kind of intimidated...
             about making a turkey, but...
             really it's very simple.
             You just have to know the anatomy of a turkey...
             and it's got, over here...
             just the tiniest little stinkhole...
             but it's big enough to get your hand...
             right up inside it.
Uh! Uh!
Stuff the shit out of it.
Stuff the shit out of it.
             I cook it with all the giblets--
             the penises and the ginies...
             And now, a lot of people like to baste their turkeys...
             but I use this.
             I lick like that...
             and get into the little...
             hiney... hiney ho...
             That's nice and good.
I don't know what the hell that is... but I'll lick it anyway.
Up and down... and then I like to get that right on there...
Hiawatha!
~ Hanson
And I got one of these.
             I'm gonna pull that off...
             and bam! That just kicks it up a little bit.
All right. I think that's almost...
             ready now.
             And then we bring it to the table.  Mmm, good.

Trivia

  • Contrary to popular belief, towards the end of the film, Hanson does not offer Dwight Hartman his 'strong hand'. He instead states "No! My other hand isn't strong enough. Take my lil' hand!".
  • In a deleted scene, it is revealed he murdered both Caroline and Hugh Cane, because he loved Caroline, but she rejected him.

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