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|“||From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.||„|
Hey, fans. Wade Wilson here. I'm that sexy Ryan Reynolds incarnation you're all here for. You might remember me from that shitty movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It made me look like a fucking G-rated hero. At least I have my own movie now!
In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I played a supporting protagonist turned tertiary antagonist, and in my own movie I play the titular main protagonist.
Shitty TimelineBack when I was still known as Wade Wilson and the Merc with a Mouth, I was a soldier and mercenary with enhancements far beyond human reflexes and agility due to being a mutant. During the Vietnam War, I was a member of a Black Ops group called Team X under the command of William Stryker. The team I worked with also included Wolverine, Sabretooth and others. Stryker expressed that I would have become the "perfect soldier" if I couldn't keep my mouth shut due to my fast chatter. He promptly turned me into Weapon XI, or his ideal "Deadpool," and gave me a shitload of mutant powers in exchange for sealing my goddamn mouth! (Ever since, that version of me was forever nicknamed Dudepeel. Ugh. Whatever happened to Sexy Reynolds?! Plus, they made me look nothing like how I am nowadays; Stryker exposed my naked torso with weird-ass tattoos and gave me Baraka-style blades on my fucking arms! And to make matters worse, I wasn't played by Reynolds for the most part; it was some douchebag named Scott Adkins!)
I was forced to fight Wolverine and Sabertooth, using all the powers I was given. But Wolvie ended up chopping my head off, and I was defeated. In the end, though, that was good for my mouth, as it grew back in time for me to break that then-impenetrable fourth wall!
Better, Badass-er Timeline
So Wolverine can walk away from an explosion, fight some metal man in Japan and go back to 1973 to find some sad clueless College Professor? No big deal. College Professor (now bald), a Magnet-Telekinetic-Magnetokinesis grandpa and their apprentices battling it out in their own timey-wimey adventures? Never heard of it. The Merc with a Mouth rebooted to a better timeline? Yes, siree. So... long story short, Dudepeel is history.
This time, though, I have the history and appearance of my mainstream self. God! I hated that Dudepeel look, so long story short, he is wiped from existence, so pretend you never heard of that no-mouthed fuck. And the fans, oh god the fans that are desperate of what happens to me in my next awesome, eye-popping mouth-drooling adventure.
And hey! I'm gonna wrap it up right here until one of the editors here put my biography on here for me.
This is how my crazy life began
When I was just 11 years old, I masturbated for the first time and it's a day I will never forget. I'M JUST KIDDING (or am I????).