|“||Alright, I've been thinking... When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life, take the lemons back! Get mad! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE!? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'm the man's who gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!! With the lemons! I'm going to have my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!!! *coughs violently*||„|
|~ Cave Johnson infamous rant about lemons.|
Cave Johnson is a major character in the popular 2011 video game Portal 2 and, by extension, Portal. Although he only appeared in video diaries, his eccentric and narcissistic personality makes him one of the important characters of the series as his actions lead to GLaDOS being created.
It appears he was a natural leader who could easily put people at ease despite the fact more often then not his experiments were highly dangerous. After being exposed to moon dust his body started to shut down. Realizing he was going to die in the near future he put all of his efforts in gaining immortality by uploading his mind into a super computer. As a precaution should he die before the system was ready, he asked that Caroline's mind be uploaded in his place. As he died before the the system was complete Caroline was uploaded into the computer making the AI we know as GLaDOS today.
A special stage in LEGO Dimensions reveals that Cave Johnson succeeded in transferring his mind to a computer, by placing his conscience in the body of a core that has been locked in old Aperture Science, he claims: "Being the genius I am, I managed to get myself in to a shiny core body and I've been locked in here ever since". It's unknown how he managed to transfer his mind into the core.
- "Cave Johnson here."
- "Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science - you might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt--"
- "I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place."
- "Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make $60? Cash."
- "They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants. Not here. At Aperture, we do all our science from scratch. No hand holding."
- "The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day."
- "I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face."
- "Ha! I like your style. You make up your own rules, just like me."
- "Bean counters said I couldn't fire a man just for being in a wheelchair. Did it anyway. Ramps are expensive."
- "If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'."
- "Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired!... Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.""
- "Congratulations! The simple fact that you're standing here listening to me means you've made a glorious contribution to science."
- "If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place."
- Although he doesn't physically appear in the first Portal game, his pictures can be seen on the walls with his face covered by companion cubes. His username CJohnson and password can be seen scrawled over the walls.
- Cave Johnson is also voiced by J. K. Simmons who portrayed J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man films.
- While Cave Johnson was shown to have somehow transferred himself into a core in LEGO Dimensions, the events that happened in the game are considered non-canon to the Portal series of games.
- Since his actions led to GLaDOS being created, that makes him the Predecessor Villain of the franchise.