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Alucard (TFS Hellsing Abridged)

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Excuse me, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire. I killed a lot of people to get this title; I deserve to called such!
~ Alucard to Alexander Anderson
~ Alucard to Sir Integra
Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? Bitches love cannons!
~ Alucard while killing Rip Van Winkle

Alucard (Team Four Star), is the anti-heroic star of Team Four Star's Hellsing Abridged series.


This depiction of Alucard is as cocky and egotistical as his original counterpart, but unlike the original, he is sarcastic, rude, rebellious and perverted, often disrespecting or mocking his enemies in a very vulgar fashion. Also, unlike the original Alucard, this version often disrespects Sir Integra and disobeys her orders constantly, even directly calling her names such as "bitch" and "skank" on several occasions, going to Brazil when specifically told not to and even going far as to tip all of the paintings in the hallway sideways simply to annoy her. The only time that ever followed her orders was when he was asked to stay in the basement during her session with their financial suppliers (having to bribe him with a 70-inch wide plasma screen TV (with Netflix (but no 3D), but this was during an invasion by the Valentine brothers. He also claims that he only saved Seras from death because she has "nice tits". He is also shown to be quite immature, as he enjoys watching cartoons (Adventure Time being one of them). The only people he is shown to be respectful (or at least friendly) towards is Walter and the Queen of England (who is still attracted to him). Alucard is also seen as being very devious and takes great pleasure in causing mischief, as Integra went over all of his antics, such as countless acts of property damage, noise complaints, murder of innocent civilians & sexual harassment (which he refuses to apologizes for).


"Psych, Hitler!"

While on a walk with the Police Girl, Alucard encounters vampiric couple Edward Cullen and Bella Swan after they had murdered a entire innocent family. When Alucard knocks on the door, Edward asks who it is, to which Alucard replies, "Oh you know..." and then proceeds to pump him full of silver bullets before proclaiming himself "a real fucking vampire". Outside, as Bella is fleeing, Seras lines up to take the the shot, but Alucard begins annoying her on purpose. After Seras kills Bella, she begins bragging it to Alucard to which he replies with calling her "a treat." 

The scene then changes to one week earlier, when Alucard is taking his usual walk. Suddenly, he encounters a vampiric priest and his army of ghouls. Assuming that Alucard was there to stop him, the priest boasts about turning the entire town into ghouls and planning to rape a pre-vampiric Seras after killing Alucard. In response, Alucard mocks the priest before shooting through the Police Girl's heart to kill the priest. Alucard then tries to leave, but is stopped by the half-alive Seras's groans. He attempts to apologize for shooting the Police Girl, but is wooed by her "blonde eviscerated puppy" look and turns her into a vampire (which he claims that the only reason for doing so is because she had nice tits), which he then reports to his boss, Integra Fairbrook Windgates Hellsing.

In the present, Alucard reports to Integra about killing Edward and Bella, much to Integra's irritation over Alucard's random encounters on his walks. Integra then sends Alucard to a mission in Ireland, and Alucard expresses his excitement of killing a Leprechaun before being told that it was a vampire that had taken over a hospital.

Meanwhile, Father O'MalleyO'ConnelO'CarrollO'ReillyO'BrianO'Sullivan (who is also Italian) sends Alexander Anderson to the same hospital Alucard and the Seras were sent to.

At said hospital, Alucard expresses how much he loves to kill zombies and once again annoys the Seras into joining him in killing the ghouls, sending her into a bloodrage in the process which arouses Alucard more than usual. Anderson then appears, explaining that the vampire Alucard was sent to kill is already dead. As Alucard mocks Anderson with pedophilia jokes, Anderson attempts to dramatically introduce himself with a speech he claimed to come up with a week ago, though Alucard cites that it is from The Boondock Saints. Meanwhile, Integra is informed of Anderson's involvement.

After bickering with immaturity, Anderson decapitates Alucard after he shoots him in the head. The Police Girl runs off with Alucard's head as Anderson implies that he plans to "rape" her (Rape in this case meaning: "Completely and utterly destroy"). Anderson catches up to the Seras while she is telepathically commanded by Alucard's head to put him between her boobs and legs, only to be interrupted by one of Anderson's bayonets, much to Alucard's irritation. Before she can be killed, the Seras is saved by Integra, who chastises Anderson for breaching their agreement over territory and killing each other, to which Anderson proceeds to violate more by killing Integra's bodyguards.

As Anderson boasts about killing Alucard, Integra merely smiles as Alucard reforms, much to Anderson's confusion. Anderson then leaves. Left alone, Alucard and Integra discuss who could be responsible for the amount of vampires appearing, to which Alucard suggests the Nazis could be behind the plot. Integra dismisses it as "retarded".

But as it turns out... it is the Nazis, as the Major assembles his men for the upcoming war he plans.

"Bullet From Your Valentine"

After coming back from clearing a high school infested with zombies, Integra commands Alucard to stay in his dungeon until her meeting with the Parliament's financial councils (or Old Assholes, as the description credits). Alucard objects and decides to go for another walk. However, Integra bribes him by agreeing to give him a new gun, a cannon for the Seras (to which he remarked "Bitches love cannons"), and a 70 inch plasma screen TV with Netflix.

Soon, Integra meets with the council, who proceed to name a lengthy list of financial troubles that are mostly (if not all) caused by Alucard. Integra is greatly annoyed by the situation she is stuck in and mentally begs for something to end it as soon as possible.

Outside the Hellsing property, Luke and Jan Valentine discuss Jan's sexual encounter with Luke's ex-girlfriend, who overdosed on heroine whilst giving him a blowjob. They then two kill the two guards at the gates and prepare to enter.

As the boring meeting continues, it is interrupted by sudden power surges, which the front desk explains is caused by vampires and an army of ghouls before being killed by said ghouls. After the escape helicopter is destroyed, Integra calls Communications, who reads a rather crude note by Jan before being killed by the latter. Integra then quickly calls Alucard for assistance, but the vampire spitefully refuses to come up, sarcastically following Integra's orders to not come out of his room, and mentioning the bribes she gave him. Alucard then hangs up, having started to watch Adventure Time on Netflix. Enraged, Integra instead calls Walter for assistance.

Meanwhile, Luke finds Alucard's room, as it was easy since there was a large group of guards at the entrance. Walter and the Seras arrive through the ducts, ready to aid in defending Integra from Jan and his ghouls. Walter incapacitates several of the ghouls before they enter a phalanx that Jan describes as "half as thick as [his] dick" and would require an anti-tank rifle to penetrate. On cue, Police Girl decimates the forces with the cannon Alucard made Integra give her.

As Alucard watches Jake the Dog laugh, Luke interrupts his fun by blowing up his TV. Alucard becomes enraged at both his new TV's destruction and Luke "sucking [his] dick" and challenges the vampire to a fight.

Jan manages to escape from Walter and the Seras's grasp and runs for the meeting room, where Integra and the other Old Assholes blow him to bits with their high power revolvers. Integra then interrogates a weakened Jan, who reveals his bosses were Nazis, which everyone then pretends they didn't hear. 

Meanwhile, Luke brags about his powers outweighing Alucard's own, referring to himself as a "demigod". Alucard quickly shows the "demigod" up by releasing his Level One restraint and shooting both of his legs off. Alucard mocks Luke for bragging about his supposed superiority and berates him for destroying his TV. 

As Alucard violently devours a screaming Luke, the sounds of the brutality is presented to the council, who become frightened by the fact that they are hearing the Alucard they had so much financial troubles with and give Integra all the money she needs.

In the aftermath, dozens of the guards on the premises are dead and Integra is forced to endure the fact that Alucard is right about Nazis being the masterminds, though she continues to deny it.


Many years ago, Abraham Van Helsing stands before a defeated Alucard. Victorious, Van Helsing demands to see what Alucard has to say about all the horrible atrocities and devastation he had committed now that he is defeated. Alucard weakly replies "The aristocrats..." before Van Helsing angrily drives the stake in his chest further. Awaking from the dream, Alucard realizes it is orientation day and frightens the newly hired mercenaries led by Pip by phasing through the wall.

After the mercenaries have calmed down, Alucard is highly amused to find that the mercenaries are French; Sir Integra was forced to post mortality rates and the mercenaries were the only ones to reply. Walter then informs Integra that Enrico Maxwell has invited her for a talk at a museum (and that Alucard tilted the paintings in the hallway). There, Maxwell and Integra insult one another before Alucard and Anderson are called in. To prevent any damage, the Police Girl arrives with a large group of elders to come between the two. With his boner gone, Alucard decides to hold off his conflict with Anderson, who agrees rather casually.

Maxwell reveals that he has information concerning Millennium, the organization that was responsible for damaging the Hellsing property and sending the vampires. In return for the information, Maxwell has Integra apologize for Alucard's multiple threat letters to the Pope, which she grudgingly does.

Integra discovers Millenium conducting activity in Brazil, though she doubts Alucard would go if she told him to. Walter then tricks Alucard into going by explaining to him that he has vacation days, but Integra forbids him to go to Brazil. In response, Alucard heads there to spite his boss.

Once in Brazil, Alucard orders the hotel's penthouse, despite it being reserved for Chevy Chase. After settling in, it is not long before Alucard finds himself in trouble, much to Integra's rage. Alucard attempts to explain that he was simply relaxing before SWAT teams entered to arrest him. He promptly provoked them into shooting him before he destroys the team. Alucard is optimistic as he can now cancel his room service because of this.

Meanwhile, the heads of the police force ask Tublacain "Dandy Man" Alahambra if everything is okay at the penthouse. Dandy Man assures them that the forces they sent are fine and that his promise to give them immortality is true. 

Up at the penthouse, Integra desperately orders Police Girl to not allow Alucard to leave, though he already did to "go for a walk", much to Integra's horror. Alucard annhilates the rest of the SWAT teams, impaling them on the flag poles in front of the hotel. Outside, Dandy Man confronts Alucard and attacks him, both making card puns in the process. Integra is irked at the fact that Alucard is killing civilians while trying to shoot the Dandy Man who is dodging all his shots.

Meanwhile, Pip kills the corrupt heads of the Police.

On the roof of the hotel, Dandy Man bets Alucard that he can kill him with one hand, which the vampire agrees. After the first initial attack, Alucard activates his "Alu-Card" (aka releasing another restraint level). With the Police Girl's help, Alucard manages to defeat Dandy Man and read his mind by drinking all of his blood. Doing so, Alucard discovers to his amusement that Nazis are indeed responsible and tweets about it. Integra is further annoyed that Alucard comfirmed his theory.

Meanwhile, the Major joys at the Dandy Man's demise and Hellsing's discovery of their existence. However, he is not worried as he is fully prepared, complete with zeppelins.

"Trigger Warning"

Integra is forced by Alucard to admit he was right, to which Alucard responds to with an orgasm. After Integra angrily hangs up, Anderson appears, attacking Alucard before informing them of a jet the Vatican had supplied them to return to England with. Before departure, Alucard infuriates Anderson by revealing he had hung a huge banner on the Cristo Redentor that reads "420YOLOSWAG4JESUS".

Back in England, the Vatican are still having trouble taking the banner down when Alucard arrives. He then meets the Queen of England, with whom he exchanges in sexual small-talk. In response, Shelby Penwood swears to abstinence out of disgust. 

Alucard then recounts "Operation: Kraut Control" to those present at the meeting, when Walter was fifteen and Alucard was a girl (a guy named Reggie questions the Queen's sexuality in response, much to Alucard's annoyance). The duo managed to stop The Major's plan to create a vampiric Nazi army, though few have managed to survive into the present. Right on cue, a boy with cat ears appears to bring a message from The Major. Integra and everyone else is shocked at how Schrodinger managed to get past their dozen guards, who Alucard presumably accidentally killed. 

When presented with The Major, Alucard bursts out laughing at how he was still "so fucking fat" and that he was like a "Nazi Louis C.K.". As The Major greets everyone, he also reveals that the Vatican helped him and his company escape from Germany during the war, explaining the information Enrico Maxwell presented to Integra. The Major attempts to reveal ultimate plan, though everyone already knows that it is "Nazi army." As The Major threatens war, Schrodinger flirts with Police Girl, telling her "we would make beautiful children". Alucard shoots him in response, The Major then uses this as an excuse to start the war. After shooting the television displaying The Major, Schrodinger's body and blood mysteriously vanish.

The Major revels in the coming war that Alucard started and initiates his plan to head into the English channel. An English aircraft carrier is hijacked by a vampire named Lieutenent Violent in preparation for Rip Van Winkle's arrival. After Rip Van Winkle quirkily makes Violent feel like "a total cunt", she kills him after making him "check [his] privilege".

Back in England, Penwood briefs Integra on the hijacking of the ship, presenting satellite photos of a message on the deck that says "The cake is a lie", to Integra's confusion. The one person in the room who understands the reference then announces that the two assault helicopters sent to intercept the ship are destroyed. In desperation, Penwood pleads for Hellsing's aid, to which Integra observes would have saved Penwood more men if he asked in the first place.

Discussing the approach to the ship, Integra and Walter decide the best way to intercept it is an attack from above. Alucard recommends the Lockheed SR71 Blackbird, which was on his Christmas list.

On the ship, Rip Van Winkle annoys the vampiric crew by singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley, which she stops when she senses Alucard's approach. Despite Van Winkle's best attempts at bringing the aircraft down, Alucard still forces it down on the ship by crashing the exploding jet on to the ship, killing all the crew on board except for himself and Rip Van Winkle. 

Confronting her, Rip attempts to intimidate him by calling him out as a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig". After catching and destroying her magic bullet, Alucard fully counters her claims with the facts that his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the '40s, he hate everyone equally, and there is no one alive who can comprehend his sexual preferences. Alucard then kills Rip Van Winkle by driving her rifle through her chest, remarking that "bitches love cannons".

Meanwhile, The Major applauds the success of trapping Alucard on the ship. He makes a speech explaining various kinds of war to explain his love for war (Class, Drugs, Race, Flame Wars via Internet, and even referencing the TV show "Storage Wars"). Finishing his speech, he declares to his Millenium Army that it's time to put his plans into motion, which comes down to the desire of starting "World War III". Police Girl and Pip watches the approaching zeppelins from the Hellsing mansion.

Back at the ship, Alucard laughs maniacally, ready for the war. He then says to himself, "I better not miss a damn thing".


Dear Chief Replacement

I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is merely to instill as much fear as I can. As if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with.

That's right.

I'm going to FUCK the fear turkey.

Follow me on Twitter as TheCrimsonFuckr!

Sincerely, Alucard
~ Alucard (Team Four Star)'s note/death threat
64px Funny thing any other circumstance, you might've had a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the forties, I hate everyone equally, and there's no one alive who can comprehend my sexual preference. So, in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, ch-ch-ch-check your privilege! (...) Haven't you heard the new sensation sweeping the nation? Bitches love cannons.
~ Alucard
*TFS* Hellsing Ultimate Abridged 1-458:04

*TFS* Hellsing Ultimate Abridged 1-4

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